Learning to Walk with a Limp

Then Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him until daybreak.  When he saw that he had not prevailed against him, he touched the socket of his thigh; so the socket of Jacob’s thigh was dislocated while he wrestled with him.    Genesis 32:24-25

There are times in our lives, when we're like Jacob, and God reaches into our core and confronts us.   This generally isn’t a pleasant time for us and can be quite disconcerting and may feel very scary, if we’re honest.

I recently thought about this Scripture and the limp that God gave Jacob.   He began by wrestling with God, and I can assure you that I’ve had my share of days wrestling tirelessly.   Often when we get to wrestle with God, we also get to experience, if we’re willing, a significant transformation in our lives that draws us closer to God.   Tozer says, “God cannot use a man greatly who has not been hurt deeply.”  

My own wrestling began when a virus all but destroyed my vestibular nerve, which is responsible for balance.   Now most of the time, this can be overcome by the plasticity of our brain simply rerouting neurons and recognizing a new normal.   But, because of the extent of the damage, every day is an adventure for me.   On the good days, I’m just slightly unsteady on my feet and able to do most things.   On bad days, I feel like the mad hatter spinning around in the teacups at Disney World. 

After five years of this, still dizzy, I am slowly learning to walk with a limp.   I say slowly because I don’t really like this limp.   In fact, rather than embrace it, I often fight it, not realizing that this is really a great and wonderful gift from God.   So let me tell you the good, bad, and ugly.  

There is no doubt that God is sovereign, and I have never been able to see this more clearly.  Seeing the sovereignty of God and accepting what He’s doing in my life are two different things, though. If I’m being honest, there are days that I just don’t like this at all.   In fact, I have been known to argue with God about his method of transforming me.   That doesn’t work by the way. Something else that I REALLY don’t like is that I don’t get a say in what happens, and no matter what I do, things may never change.

Seeing the sovereignty of God and accepting what He’s doing in my life are two different things

But, His ways are not my ways and His thoughts are not my thoughts (Isaiah 55:8), so I find myself constantly asking the Lord to help me to accept His plan and discard my own.  I am gradually beginning to realize that I can be thankful that I’m not in control.   In fact, I am starting to grasp that not being in control is freeing.   I don’t have to solve problems that are just too big for me.   My own strength and my own power will never cause restoration of balance for me.   Trying harder won’t make me any less dizzy.   It is only by His strength that any changes will happen, and despite how it feels, I can learn to be content in every situation.     

Another thing that has become crystal clear during this is that I can absolutely do nothing without Him.   We often talk about this in spiritual terms, and well so, but let me just say that I literally have come to realize that I’m only allowed to even move about because God has ordained that for the moment.   And so there are days that I embrace my limp as best I can knowing that His power is made perfect in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9-10). And other days where I sit and cry out for His mercy.  

For Jacob, the limp didn’t stop him, but it did shift his priorities more Godward.   Likewise, my weakness has given me the chance to walk slower with God and allow Him to restructure my priorities as well. Today, if you are struggling, I encourage you to lean into the strength God has and let Him reshape your journey too.

Think About It

Persistence in faith during challenging times is crucial.   Does persistence mean you don’t struggle?  

Is it possible to be transformed even if you don’t like the method that God is using?