PATHS

I can’t keep doing this.   I cannot go on this way.   Have you ever felt that way?   Before I go any further, you should know this isn’t focused on self-harm in any way.   What it is focused on is the process of being completely broken by the Lord.  

After yet another emergency department visit, I awoke after only a few short hours of sleep and immediately burst into tears.   Red and puffy-eyed crying out to the Lord, saying I cannot live this way any longer, but I don’t know how to be any different.  

A little backstory.   I have lived with low-level anxiety probably for the better part of my grown life.   But within the past few years this has developed into a full-fledged problem.  

What was very evident to me that morning is that the stress, the fear, the anxiety… it’s very literally killing me.  And this is not something that God desires for me.   This is not something that I desire for me.    And more tears flow…from frustration.   I have lived this way for so long that I don’t know how to be any different. A very real sense of helplessness washes over me, and I wonder… how do I move forward? I know what I must do, I just don’t know how to do it.  There will always be opportunities in this life for stress, anxiety, and fear; the world is filled with these emotions and feelings. 

What I realized, however, is that I’ve been moving forward in my own strength, creating some of this anxiety myself.  God wants me to approach every situation the way HE has planned and not the way I have planned, in His strength. Circumstances will still be the same and life will continue to be hard, unpredictable and scary, but I must put these things on Him and not try to carry the weight myself.   Again, the situations of life won’t change and realistically from the outside it may look the same, but on the inside, it won’t be. I am broken. God has broken me to the point where relying on Him isn’t just a choice; it’s necessary for survival.  

God wants me to approach every situation the way HE has planned and not the way I have planned

One thing I need to do is learn to let go of the need to control the situation.   Because here’s the spiral that leads to:  I try to control the situation to avoid stress or anxiety, but deep down, I know I can’t control it.  This then fuels the very stress and anxiety that I was trying to avoid!   It’s a relentless cycle - a crazy train that’s hard to get off.

After wrestling with this for the better part of the day, I reached out to a couple of godly friends who I knew wouldn’t give me a “to do” list but rather would give me Scripture to ponder.  As I was talking to one of them a verse came up…  

“Thus says the Lord: ‘Stand in the ways and see, And ask for the old paths, where the good way is, And walk in it; Then you will find rest for your souls.  But they said, ‘We will not walk in it.’”   Jeremiah 6:16

At the time I was sitting outside looking into the luxuriantly dense, green foliage that surrounds our home. And the word ‘path’ really struck a chord with me.   A path!   There is no way I would start hacking myself a path through the thick brush that surrounds me in hopes of finding my way to something great.   For one thing, I have no idea of where I’m going.   Not to mention there is a multitude of wildlife that live amongst that overgrowth, snakes, wild boars, bears, and on and on.   None of which I want to run into accidentally.   Now, if one of the rangers were to lead and be the one cutting the path, I would be more inclined to go through the forest, if and only if, I could follow closely behind and keep my eyes on them.

And then!   BAM!   Jesus says, “Follow me”!   What?   Haven’t I been doing that?   Well, yes… and no. You see, I don’t think I’ve been following close enough. And too often, I tend to think I know where Jesus is leading so I’ll take out my own “machete” and start cutting my own path.   As I stubbornly forge ahead, I’m hollering over my shoulder for Jesus to come along my way.   

Here’s the thing though, Jesus isn’t following me.  He’s patiently waiting on the path He is carving out for me inviting me back to where He is.   Sometimes, by the grace of God, I have the good sense to return to Him.  Other times, I get so turned around and lost that He needs to come get me and carry me back.   This is one of those times.

The fact of the matter is simple.. there is no other way to follow Jesus, but to follow.   Not lead, not blaze my own way, and certainly not make suggestions on the direction we should go.  Just follow.  

There is no other way to follow Jesus, but to follow.

As I think about this, I wonder—how is this like the pathways in our brains? Could the patterns of control, self-reliance, and independence that we’ve carved out be making it harder to stay on Jesus’ path? Are we able to change that?   

Stay tuned.. in the next post, we’ll explore that connection. We'll also see how God equips us to break free from sinful habits and reshape our minds according to His truth.